Alpaca-Palooza

So we are either really clinically insane or we are really super smart or possibly somewhere in between.   We went to visit the alpacas and I don't know if there was some weird alpaca loving chemicals in the air or there was a lapse in our thinking for 20 minutes but we walked out of a barn somewhere in Indiana and the next thing we know is we are the owners of 3 alpacas, eating some lunch at Cracker Barrel and freaking out about it. I vaguely remember standing in the middle of about like 100-200 female ones and my husband saying "just pick two and lets go!", but my brain is a little bit fuzzy on the whole situation.  The kids immediatly picked their names so apparently there is no turning back.  

"What do you plan on doing with these animals?" you may be asking.  Well we plan to shear them and sell their wool, and we also plan to breed them. I'm also looking into "studding out" Lil Sebastian (that's our male....thanks "Parks and Rec") in order to recoup some of the cost we are incurring to set our place up for these creatures.  I am getting their papers soon and hopefully will be able to figure out the start of that whole process.  

We don't have possession of them yet as we were really not planning on buying them JUST yet, but hopefully by the end of the month...they will be home!   So without further ado, here are the new members of our family: 

Lil Sebastian and his hair pants. He's a genuine STUD-Muffin.

Me tagging Shadow...she's kind of shy but probably has the sweetest of all their personalities.

Lil Sebastian rolling around in the dirt and being all rascaly.  I think he was overcome with joy that we now own him.

Tina chillaxin in the barn.  She will be shorn before we get her. And yes she was named after Tina on Napoleon Dynamite.

My parents are hiding something from me.

I disappeared again. Apparently that's what I do when I'm frustrated. I disappear. I don't feel like being funny or witty or comical. I'm just mad.  For those interested, my colonoscopy was inconclusive.  Then I went another route they suggested and had a laparoscopy and that showed everything "appeared normal" as well. So....I've gone nowhere and found out nothing.  I should be happy that everything "appears normal" but it's NOT normal, so its just frustrating. 

Moving beyond that, things have been crazy. At some point I need to dig out the pictures of my eldest being a total rockstar and going to state in track and then graduating from 8th grade on the honor roll. Then my middle one turned 11 and we had a fun big bash for both.  I'll get to that someday.  Maybe when the eldest is graduating from high school and the middle one is 15 and even more full of teenage angst then she currently is.  I have found myself humming "Jesus Take the Wheel" way more often than normal lately.  The kids don't find it amusing.

Tomorrow, we are going to look at alpacas.  "What are alpacas?" you say?  Well....they are this:

They are just so cute I just can't even. It is my dream to own alpacas and be a modern day alpaca shepherdess.  "Misty, that is ridiculous and that is not even a thing"  you say?  Lies. It IS a thing....and I have found my calling.  My friend at work made me this awesome "dream board" of images she googled that show what a "modern day alpaca shepherdess" should look like. 

I'm not sure...but....I think that most of those shepherdesses live in Peru or something. I don't know that our climate could handle all the wool, and they seem kind of like 90 years old on average.  But the hats are awesome and someday I'm completely confident that I will have one on my desk when I arrive to work.  Who wouldn't want a hat you can stick stuff in like pens or paper clips or a snack.  The most disturbing imags I found was the one to the right......Here's a better view:

My parents are hiding something from me and I think I have a long lost twin.  I'm like 99% sure that's not me. The other 1% is in case someone drugged me, put me in a FABULOUS alpaca wedding dress and then had me marry a sheep in Switzerland carrying a staff and everything. My memory is kind of hazy  but I think I would remember that.  The only other logical conclusion is that I have a twin that is now living in Switzerland with her sheep-husband or I have been cloned.  Scary stuff.

It just hit me that it was rude to assume the woman in the picture is married to the sheep.  For all I know, it could be her flower-sheep or ring-bearer-sheep and in that case it's a lot less disturbing and a lot more awesome.

I'm totally getting a staff covered in roses.  I think I will pass on the dress. It seems hot and itchy.  

Clear liquid diets suck

They do. Tomorrow I go in for my second colonoscopy in my whole 34 years. Everyone gives me the "awe......I'm so sorry" schpeel and I'm all "Shoot don't be sorry! It's time off work for the awesomest drug induced nap EVER!!" It was also an excuse for me to eat an entire box of gluten free pop tarts as dinner last night. In case your wondering, they taste like cardboard until you make your own icing and smother them in it. Then they are delicious. Even the prep, though I'm not a fan of Gatorade, is not bad. At least I have a purpose in the bathroom and I am tearing UP some netflix on my iPad mini.

What's horrible is the clear liquid diet. I don't remember feeling this awful last time.  My whole shaky body is PA-ISSED I am not feeding it. I tried "eating" some beef broth with a spoon to trick it into thinking I was having soup, but it's not buying it. Oh well. I have an excuse to hang out in my orthopedic bed (not to far from the bathroom) and chill for two days.

All jokes aside, I'm really hoping to get some solid answers. I've had blood tests and nothing has been conclusive, so I'm hoping this produces something I can attack. I'm tired of hearing I just lave a lazy colon. Like most colons, I'm sure mine likes to hang out on the couch and eat chips and watch tv, but there is more to it than that and I would just like the medical professionals in charge of my care to figure it out already.

Now I'm gonna go drink another box of beef broth. Stop it with your insane jealously already. It's unbecoming of you.

Doppleganger

Moses is not amused.  He says this creature looks nothing like him and he doesn't know why we find it so funny.

Not funny mom.

In his defense, the stuffed dog more of a "fawn" color and he is a true "apricot". 

Bad Sick Momma

I am sick. Russ is sick.  We are quite the pitiful pair. It's just some stupid cold virus thing, but basically it feels like my head is going to explode with snot and my ear drums are going to burst and there is so much stuff leaking out of the orifices on my face I don't even know what to do with myself.  Add body aches and chills (and yet no fever) to that mix and its a perfect storm. Don't even get me started on what sleeping is like. My husband was so nice to me the other day; I came home to a detox cold and flu bath already drawn for me (if you know how long it takes to fill our tub, you know what a big deal that is), the heater blanket already on the bed and waiting, and the kids all "handled". I was so grateful that I shared my germs and infected him. I think he probably feels a simple "thank you " would've sufficed.

Last night, I came home and Maebree had about 457 reading assignments she had to get done that evening. I don't even know how that all piled up, but somehow it did and it was all due today.  She had to read me several different books and passages and practice her "speeder reader" words.  I'm about to say something that I will be judged for but thanks to the genes I was blessed with that include professional women's wrestler sized shoulders, I can take it.  In those moments last night when she was reading to me, it was just....the worst.  Honestly....I felt as if I was being tortured.  I probably would've chosen water boarding at that point, which, I had JUST done my little routine of Neil Med Sinus Rinse and if any of you have ever done that, it basically IS like being water boarded but maybe with a little less drama and violence and a bit of a gentler hand.  I know I know...all you "good" mothers out there who just "LOVE" to hear your kids read and blah blah blah whatever.  Being sick makes you a horrible mother.  I felt my impatience rise higher and higher with each word she was struggling to say. Maybe it was that or the fact that she literally does not stop speaking from the moment I get home from work until the moment I put her to bed (and even thereafter).  I just finally had to say "Honey...mommy's head is about to explode a snotty mess allover the pillows here, is there ANY way you can finish reading to Faithy?" and she happily skipped off to Faith and read her the story.  I'm so glad my kids don't take my irrational statements too seriously.  And also how does anyone raise kids without a Faith?

Just so she knows momma still loves her and won't be mean forever, here is a picture of her being cute and sassy in her penguin jammies.

I'm sorry Tater bug I was grouchy. Maybe this weekend I'll turn into one of those "good" moms that "reads stories at bedtime".   Probably not though so I wouldn't hold my breath.

Faiths' Half-Bday, Icestorms, and Legos

 Back in August of last year....I became the mother of a teenager.  I don't know how that happened.  I put in a request that time stand still but it fell on deaf ears and she turned 13 anyway.  Well we had a million and one things going on at the time, then school started, then cross country season happened and she was so good at that and then it was the holidays. I finally said "forget it, lets just do a cool

half-birthday kind of thing" and that's what we did.  So she chose Monicals and cosmic bowling (without the cosmic as they decided that now is only a Saturday night thing) and we had a blast!!

Didey made the cake...did a GREAT JOB!

All the friends and sisters.

"Mana" and her girls.  Mae can never keep her eyes open.

The "dimples brigade" Not sure what Mae is doing there.

She got lots of cool presents

The most laid back, nondramatical teenage bunch ever.

Goofy girls;)

Getting their bowling on.  Notice the "Russ Houston" stance in the back

Yay Bowling!!!

It was a super fun night!  We had the adults on one lane and the kids on the other.  I was doing so good and finally found something I could maybe beat the husband at and then when I started bragging about it, I started sucking it up.  So...pride really DOTH cometh before a fall.  Stupid Scripture.


The girls stayed the night. I went to rent a movie and that was the MOST PAINFUL part of the the night as 4 indecisive teenagers decided what to watch. They settled on Captain America because "he's hot" I only hoped that the message somewhat stuck up in there somewhere.  Girls. They stayed up too late and when I went to wake them in the morning, they were all snuggled up together laying on top of one another on one couch.  I remember those days.  It doesn't really seem like it was THAT long ago I too was all snuggled up with 6 other girls on Melanie Osterbur (now Dilgers) super single water bed after watching Kevin Costner movies all night long.  I vividly remember rewinding some part of "Field of Dreams" over and over simply to hear him giggle over and over. We SOOOO thought we were gonna marry that guy. We were totally the coolest dorks I knew.

Russ and I had the next day off, so we were going to take the girls to the Lego movie, but then an ice storm decided to come our way and those plans were scratched. Instead we stayed in and warm while the power went off and on all day, and the girls built a fort.  He decided instead to pick the girls up from school Tuesday, then me from work and went. It was REALLY a cute movie with a good message....and I'm pretty sure the main character (I know him as Andy Dwyer from Parks and Rec) was patterned after my youngest.  The most positive and fun loving person ever.

Faiths snuggly ice storm slippers. 

Russ Houston makes a MEAN fort

Ice covered tree

Ice covered House

Icicle covered barn. That is a might pretty picture without the garbage can there

Mae zonked after the Lego Movie. 

Its been quite the fun week!  I guess the weather is supposed to get up to 60 on Thursday but accompanied by thunderstorms.  I will believe it when I see it.  All I know is winter can leave us all alone now. 

Super Bowl Sunday

Anyone who knows me knows one very specific thing about me:  Whereas I LOVE action and adventure-type t.v.....Anything related to sports is lost on me.  I actually cannot stand it.  I am very grateful I am married to a man that doesn't have to have football, basketball, baseball on at every waking moment of the day. He has his team, he will occasional watch a few games, but beyond that, it's a take it or leave it situation.

Russ worked Sunday, so it was just us girls at home. The only males in our house were of the non-human variety, and both those guys could honestly care less about football let alone t.v. in general. We decided we were gonna watch the game, but  mainly the commercials and eat junk.  We also decided we were gonna root for Denver for a couple reasons:

• Peyton Manning seems like a really cool dude, not one of those douchey egos that is typically flying around.  He as also super hilarious on SNL. 
• We have friends who live in Colorado and they were cheering for them.
• They are Illini colors.  Not that we typically cheer on the Illini, but still.  

Mae affectionately named them "Den" as that is what it showed up on the little score ticker thing at the top of the screen.  She cracked me up all night because she REALLY got into it.  I actually wrote down several things she said because we were laughing so hard at them they must be remembered. A few of her gems:

•  "Come on DEN! Just jump on those freakin' blue guys already!!"
• "Is this a heartwarming commercial?  I only am watching heartwarming commercials.  And the funny commercials."
•  "Please tell me that dad is NOT going to have Bruno Mars hair.  He said he was gonna have Bruno Mars hair and I will NOT like that.  Also.....those old guys should put shirts on"
• (after watching the Clydesdale/Puppy commercial) "Oh my gosh mom, feel right here (feeling right where her heart is)....it IS warm...it is SUPER warm now!!"

*************And my personal favorite.  Remember she's six and has no idea what she's saying and I'm sorry that I'm not sorry to anyone who may be offended by this*****************

• "Well.....I'm pretty sure those Seattle Seacock guys cheated" 

 I was too busy folding copious amounts of laundry in order to take any sort of photo documentation that any of this actually occurred. I got one little gem, and that was about it.

Snuggling and eatin some popcorn

It's official.......

Not much phases me anymore. Imagine making a delicious batch of gluten-free banana peanut butter brownies. Then imagine the excitement of getting to take one to work with you the next day because your sugar addicted family didn't eat them all. You open that delicious zip locked wrapped brownie and notice that something else is in the bag. Something white. And tooth like.

Yep. It's a tooth. I should've prefaced this with the fact that every child I have lost a tooth last week and mommy was in the hole big time for tooth funds. I had just settled up and there was dang teeth like.......everywhere. Apparently I grabbed the zip locked that contained one precious gem.

Here's the unphased part: I shrugged my shoulders, dropped that tooth in an envelope like it was hot and went to town on that brownie. I'm not gonna let a little thing like a baby tooth get in the way of my desserts. Maybe I've reached that point, though I think cupping your hands to catch vomit is that "point" and Lord knows I've done that.  I think Im just a selfish dessert eater. Especially when it's one I CAN eat.

I would've provided photographic evidence of this, but apparently teeth is a hot-button gross-out issue for some as many of the people I told dry heaved into their mouths. Wussies.

Admit it.....you thought this was gonna be a way cooler post. No where in your head did you imagine toothy brownies.

It's all fun and games until someone gets their eye shot out.

That didn't really happen, but it made ya look didn't it?  

If you move down like 2 whole posts below, you will see that we had gotten Faith a bow for her 12th birthday.  That was almost a year and a half ago, but I digress.  She had fun playing with it, and would head out to shoot every now and then.  We found out about a little archery club that the kids would participate in, FREE OF CHARGE  mind you, and all they have to do is show up and shoot stuff.  All three girls could participate too which I thought was going to royally peeve off Faith as archery is ONLY her thing, but she thought it would be fun for all of them to do the activity together. Sunday was their first day and the little two LOVED it.  Mae EVEN hit the yellow on the target a couple times. Mind you, it was not the target she was supposed to be aiming for, but really...I mean who cares.  Just look at how cute she looks in her lil leg warmers and hoodie listening so intently:) 

Emmy getting her instructions from the arrow guy

Listening to the instructor talk about safety

Getting her arrows ready

 

Waiting for the whistle to let them fly!

 

 

 

Cutest archeress ever in her leg warrmers:)

Faith was a little spicy due to the fact that it had been like 6-7  months since she had even shot her bow and of course it was EVERYONE ELSE's fault she was doing so poorly, even at one point I think blaming the dog for breaking her concentration the last time she went out to shoot 6 months before. This went on for about 45 minutes until one of the instructors gave her some pointers on her stance and lined her up better and then she proceeded to hit the yellow almost exactly in the same spot every time.  Then it was fun.

Looking forward to next week!

Ratchet face

Kids these days......

As were are exiting Walmart, the classy joint we frequent at least 3-5 times per week, Faith makes a comment that its sad that it used to be you were greeted when you  entered and greeted when you left. Now it's just two women (I would say they were in their late 40s) talking about how one girl they know is so "ratchet".  Here is how the convo went from there:

Me:  ....Wait.  Ratchet?  As in a wrench?
Faith:  No.  As in she has a "Ratchet face"
Me:  So she was beaten with a ratchet?  Like is her face all bruised and bloodied?
Faith: No mom.  It means ugly. You've really never heard "ratchet face" before?  Girls say it all the time. "So" and "so" and "she" and "she" are always talking about how ratchet faced this other girl is.
Me:  I'm still confused.  Does she have an ACTUAL RATCHET tattooed on her face?  Because this still makes zero sense to me.
Faith:  Mom.....
Me:  So.....girls say "ratchet face" when they are describing someone as ugly. You don't use this language do you?
Faith:  NO!!  I'm just saying lots of girls at school say it.
Me:  Are they from the south side of Chicago?  Or East St. Louis?  Or even like......Champaign?  Because really.....they do know they live in CENTRAL Illinois in the podunkiest town around are are surrounded by corn fields.  Not "the big city".
Faith: Yes....they just think they are cool.
Me:  If I ever hear you use terminology like that your grounded.  Unless you are describing an ACTUAL wrench.  Or a Transformer.  That was a Transformers name right?   Anyway...not just because it's mean (and it is.....so don't be that way) but mainly because you sound RIDICULOUS.  And like you don't have a complete grasp on the English language.  And no kid of mine will be associated with that.
Faith: Don't worry mom.......


Don't worry???!!  So, this is a thing.  I even googled it and it's in the Urban Dictionary and everything.   I still am confused by how what once was a tool name has become a description for an ugly girl, but what the heck do I know.  I mean, the ratchet wrench is the one with all the accessories right?  And there is NOTHING UGLY about a tool that has a lot of accessories.  NU-THING.

I really thought I was one of the "cool" moms.  I have a handle on the lingo of the kids these days.  I use terms like "Cray-Cray" and "Totes" and "Adorbs", even "Totes Adorbs" at times.  I have decided that I'm going to come up with my own terms. Here are some options:

"That girl, she's a real 'ball-peen' bisnitch"
"Why they gotta stick their needle nose all up in my face?"
"I'm gonna punch you square in your flare-nut grill"
 "We as cool as a chisels my pisels"

That last one is an homage to my good friend Snoop Dog.  Feel free to start using any of the above in  your day to day conversations.  You don't even have to give me credit for them if you don't want to. In fact, I'm going to explicitly request that you don't.  On a more serious note, if you hear any of your teenagers using language such as "ratchet face" Please...DEAR GOD PLEASE correct them.  Or ground them. Or tattoo a picture of an actual ratchet on THEIR face.  That'll teach them.

Ridiculousness

Not to be confused with the hit MTV show "Ridiculousness" (not that I have ever seen an episode, I'm sure my life is none the worse for it).  Ridiculousness is my post title because that is y excuse for such a long hiatus. 

 I took some time off. Does anyone even blog anymore?  I mean, I know people do, but it was all the rage years ago.  I guess life gets in the way and you suddenly have more important things to do than document your life's happenings.  Which is really sad because I have found as you age, parts of your brain fall out of your head and you simply do not remember anything anymore.  For example, I can't even remember what I ate 20 minutes ago or if I've peed since I left our house.

So in an effort to be better about this documenting thing, I need to commit to this. My poor kids will ask me things and I can't remember. That was the whole reason I wanted to even do this, for them, something for them to refer back to and laugh or cry or just want to kill me for five minutes for embarrassing them. My mom gave all of us girls a book to write more things down in, and I can't even remember to do that.  I think I just didn't feel like putting forth the effort last year.  I didn't think I had anything worth sharing, which is ridiculous because our kids need to see the hard stuff too. The year 2012 was really not kind to us.  We went through a horrible loss personally, I started a new job, kids in school, Russ worked more overtime than ever; just finding the balance was hard.  Then 2013 came and it was better......but busier. I was hired full time at the U of I,  Diana got married and moved on over to Decatur and we were hugely involved with that, I found out I am gluten and soy intolerant thereby making a very interesting diet change.   We are still finishing up huge projects in the house (almost done!!!  HALLELUIAH!) Faith and Em became Cross Country superstars, we bought a new vehicle that we have affectionately named "Adele", and  we went on a HUGE and AMAZING Florida Vacation (you can see the pics HERE and HERE), I waged a war with Luke Bryan and my  husband grew a ridiculous mustache of which was featured on our Christmas card. 

So bring on 2014.  The stache is long gone (thank you JESUS), I have new hair, and if we can ever kick this stupid Arctic winter we seem to be having, I think it's gonna be a good year.  I will be better about blogging, if for no one else, but for my kids.  All my Facebook friends, it might be a lot of the same.  Sorry for any duplications, but my kids aren't allowed on Facebook, as people tend to be idiots there. 

What will 2014 bring for you?